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My life feels like it sucks right now.  I need, want more activity.

When I came back here to California, some part of me felt it would be easy to reconnect with old friends.  It’s clear I don’t know how to.  It’s certainly hard for me to see my friends lives progressing and mine stuck in the tar pits.  I don’t want to sounds selfish, people have their own lives to live.  Is it that hard to include someone else?

I don’t like feeling reclusive, and trapped in my home, but I am.

I’d rather not be a charity case.  I want friends that enjoy my company because I enjoy theirs and we have common interests.  I’m not a perfect person.  I just want friendship with others.  I can’t begin to explain how hard it is for me to admit, even here on my blog, I feel so alone every day.  It’s not healthy, I’m sure I’ve said this all before.

Even when I’m around other people in public or the few parties I’ve been invited to, I feel awkward.  I’m a nice guy, but seem to have lost my interpersonal skills when dealing with others, every interaction is overly difficult it seems.  Every sentence with a stranger, an uncomfortable task.  Drowning in a sea of conversations.  An outcast. Everyone but me is some how connected with someone else, via their SMS on a mobile device, iphone, or sidekick.  I missed out on all that it seems.

I long to be needed, to be productive, and feel useful again.  I want purpose.  My life feels so empty.

I was going to physical therapy 3x a week, which was at the very least something positive to do.  I got SCIF to authorize a 6 month gym membership for me.  It’s something that will keep me moving this time.  The 3.5 months of PT was good, and just using the recumbent bicycle again has improved my walking.  The place where I was going for my therapy will also let me come in and use their equipment like a gym for $80/month plus more if I want help from a trainer.  I have no idea if that’s good.  I need to shop around.  The people there are nice, the place is relatively close as the birds fly.

I had an MRI today of my left shoulder.  The technician was alright, kinda pushy as he shoved ear plugs in my ears, which I would have preferred to do myself.  It was the first one where I had headphones and had a choice of something to listen to via the internet.  So I asked for KCRW.  While in the machine, my left arm arm numb, and then eventually there was a nice burning sensation on the outside of the shoulder traveling down the arm.  The middle finger, index, and thumb blank with feeling, switched off like a light bulb.  I did what I normally do when I am getting a MRI.  I just kinda tune out the noise, defocus my eyes, close them, anything to make the cramped quarters feel larger.  I’m not that claustrophobic, but if I were in the machine long enough I would be quite mad.

So SCIF finally authorized a consultation with a psych.  The catch is, it’s only so that they could get an idea of how much therapy needs to be authorized.  Retarded as it is I just have to go along with it.  So the place they want me to goto, IE friendly to them, and in their network, soonest appointment is July 7th, 2008.  As you can see I won’t be seeing any help during the foreseeable future.  This only makes me sadder and furiously angry inside.  Only my sadness shines.

I’m tired of crying to my blog, but no one near cares about me it seems.  I’ve been back here in California for almost 5 months, I’ve made no new friends.  That’s 161 days or ~231840 minutes spent alone.  I could spout off all kinds of numbers regarding my loneliness, but that still won’t help me feel better about myself.  Gah, I’m such a fucking retard.